When I Was Young

Write to us at my paper.

Please include your full name, address and a telephone contact number.
E-mail your opinions to myp@sph.com.sg.

We reserve the right to edit letters for clarity and length.

From My Paper, My Say
THURSDAY SEPTEMBER 11, 2008

I REFER to the column, “They still deserve kindness and respect” (my paper, Sept 9).

It was a great article and I would like to commend Ms Jill Alphonso for putting her views forth.

A foetus is a human being at a certain stage of its development.

Therefore, terminating a foetus’ life is the same as terminating that of a human being.

While abortion might not be a crime where it is permitted by law, whether it is moral or not is a different issue.

I am uneasy at the thought of abortion, as it is the killing of a human being who is capable of feeling pain.

I agree that abortion should not be carried out for frivolous reasons, such as wanting to have time for holidays or to stay slim.

However, abortion is not a means of family planning. Those who do not wish to conceive should be aware of the measures they can take to avoid it.

Perhaps such women have taken the necessary measures but received unexpected results.

Have they considered giving up their baby for adoption?

Aborting a foetus with severe defects might be a rational choice. But what if the baby is healthy?

I would have a hard time giving the correct advice.

As Ms Alphonso says, abortion is a painful topic, and no one should take it lightly.

With Singapore’s low birth rates, I would prefer to see a woman giving her baby up for adoption rather than aborting it. There are many who are looking for babies to adopt.

Mr Richard Woo

From My Paper, My Lifestyle
THURSDAY SEPTEMBER 11, 2008

ON AGE GAP BETWEEN SPOUSES

ANA OW

I’M A big believer in the philosophy of age being just a number.

And, now, I’m learning exactly how true that is.

At age 32, I find myself blessed with the love of a 20-year-old man. He made his heartfelt vows to me in June before 70 people at our small wedding celebration.

There’s more: come November, we are going to be first-time parents after having dated for just a year.

We first met in dance class when I was a teacher at a local dance studio. Then 16 going on 17, he obviously wasn’t suitable dating material for me.

But when he turned 19 and we began to socialise both on and off the dance floor, it became apparent that we were connecting on a deeper level.

He listened, providing comfort and warmth in a way I hadn’t felt before. He doesn’t play the mind games of an older man. Nor does he have the ego of one. Even though I felt a little like Mrs Robinson, he almost made me feel as though I was in my teens again.

And we were sure of marriage shortly after our relationship began.

We made plans to marry in a typically modern fashion: when I ran out of closet space after living with him for eight months.

We were all set to start saving up for a wedding bash and a nest to call our own. And then came the baby, throwing a sweet spanner in the works and speeding up the process.

Now, my husband is confined in camp and will have just ended his basic military training (BMT) by the time I deliver in November.

While it has never occurred to me that it would be an issue to commit to someone 12 years younger while carrying my first-born, there were those who were angered by my choices.

My father maintained a stoic yet somewhat shocked demeanour. He has calmed down somewhat since we got married and has even become quite supportive. My aunt, his younger sister, however, demanded that I re-think my actions.

Then there are other auntie-types who gossip and dwell on the situation, unable to accept that people more than a decade apart could find love and acceptance with one another.

Our reality does not escape me. He’s doing BMT in Tekong now and I’m alone, whereas my other mummy-to-be friends have their husbands (who are all closer to their age) ferrying them around to their ultrasound check-ups.

There’s also a certain pressure on me as I become the sole breadwinner in the equation. And as he progresses into National Service, I find myself missing him.

He gets five minutes every night on the phone with me now that he’s at field camp. I know that he feels frustrated and helpless, trying to squeeze in every ounce of love and support into one short conversation.

And though there are those who say that he’s too young to be taken seriously as a husband or a father-to-be, he takes so naturally to his new role.

While his friends can hardly see their future beyond Friday night clubbing, he delights in
trips to Ikea, plans for homeownership and obsesses over which household appliances would be the best buy.

I have no doubt that he’ll make the best of fathers.

He talks to the baby in my belly often, reading him fairytales on the weekends when he books out from camp and nagging me to remember to “play the Mozart music at bedtime” to develop his son’s spatial-reasoning abilities.

Naysayers can criticise us, but the one I take the most comfort from these days is my unborn child, whose lack of life experience makes him not naïve but, in my mind, the master of living without fear of rejection and failure.

In any case, the way he kicks in my belly sure feels that way.

myp@sph.com.sg

From My Paper, My Say
TUESDAY SEPTEMBER 9, 2008

I REFER to the column, “Money can’t replace parental guidance” (my paper, Sept 8).

I agree that in today’s competitive society, money is almost everything.

We cannot live without money. With that in mind, many parents tend to think that all their children needs are material things.

They fail to recognise that money cannot buy love, care and concern.

It is often due to a lack of guidance and love from parents that children stray onto the wrong path.

Work commitments and money concerns are the main reasons why many do not wish to get married and have babies.

It seems that there is no longer a need to build relationships and cultivate bonds with others.

We are fully occupied by work, at the expense of time to pause and think about our future.

Although we are living in a developed country, where qualifications, status, reputation and everything that concerns money are of the utmost importance, we must not forget that we are still humans with needs other than material ones.

Thus, no matter how busy we are or how stressful the burdens we carry, we must try our best to slow down, appreciate those who care for us, and treasure things which money cannot buy.

Ms Tan Yi Jun

From My Paper, My Lifestyle, MOMENT
TUESDAY SEPTEMBER 9, 2008

CANCER experts who probed every gene in tumours from two of the hardest-to-treat cancers found that cancer is much more complicated than anyone thought – and say they found why a cure is unlikely after a tumour has spread.

They also discovered a potential new way to treat a common and fatal form of brain cancer.

They also opened the door to finding cancer before it has spread when it can still be cured surgically, they reported last Thursday in the journal Science.

“Cancer is very complex – more complex than we had believed. It is not going to be easy to develop therapies,” said Dr Bert Vogelstein of Johns Hopkins University in Baltimore and the Howard Hughes Medical Institute.

“If you have 100 patients, you have 100 different diseases.”

The findings suggest that popular new targeted therapies may not work broadly, because they affect only one mutated gene, while cancer is caused by dozens.

A better approach would be to find the pathways – networks of genes – that control a tumour’s uncontrolled growth and spread.

Dr Vogelstein said the findings suggest that pharmaceutical companies should change their approach to developing new cancer drugs.

“It is extremely unlikely that drugs which target a single gene will be active against a major fraction of solid tumours,” said Dr Vogelstein.

“Instead of screening for drugs against single proteins, our work suggests that it may be more productive to screen for drugs that act against core pathways.”

– REUTERS

From My Paper, HOME, My News
TUESDAY SEPTEMBER 9, 2008

ON WOMEN WHO CHOOSE ABORTION

JILL ALPHONSO

ALTHOUGH there may be some who disagree, I was pleased to hear that Singapore’s pro-choice abortion law will not be changed.

Health Minister Khaw Boon Wan responded last month to questions asked in Parliament, following the Government’s call for more babies. Mr Khaw said that the 24-week time frame for abortions, with counselling for all women considering abortion, will remain the same.

When abortion was made legal in 1974, it was to “safeguard the health and well-being of the woman who has, for various reasons, decided to terminate her pregnancy”, he said.

This is a forward-thinking stance that ensures women here are given options, regardless of their circumstances.

It’s not an easy topic to discuss, much less to pass legislation on. Hong Kong and Poland are two countries that have banned abortion on demand, allowing it only if it saves the mother’s life.

Abortion is – and should be – a personal choice. It’s a serious decision with health risks and potential medical consequences, but retaining Singapore’s policy on it speaks volumes of our Government’s commitment to freedom of choice and women’s rights.

Now, I won’t speak for those who choose to abort for frivolous reasons. According to a report in yesterday’s my paper, some reasons – though doctors note that these cases are rare – that women undergo the procedure include “needing to take holidays and wishing to stay slim”.

All I’ll say is that if you’re one of these women, you need to seriously consider where your sense of moral responsibility lies.

Abortion has helped a number of people I know. Those with firm religious beliefs will say that abortion is taking a life, so I don’t make that statement lightly.

But pro-choicers like myself will say that there are two lives involved – the mother’s and the baby’s. For some, having a baby at the wrong point will ruin two lives, not save one.

The choice to have an abortion is, more often than not, a dark one. From all the literature I’ve read, and conversations I’ve had, it feels like having your body violated, and that you are indeed trading a life for yours. Think about that, with compassion and not righteousness.

No matter what choice she makes when it comes to abortion, a woman should be supported, not condemned, by her society.

I remember accompanying a friend to her operation in Singapore. I wasn’t allowed into the ward with her, but I saw the looks she was given by the nurses on duty, and I noticed the gruff tone of their voices when they admitted her.

When she was put on the operating table, she later told me, the nurses “manhandled” her. She described being practically slapped awake from anaesthesia by another nurse, who simply walked away once my friend opened her eyes.

She was only 17 at the time. But she had made her decision logically and without desperation. She simply felt she couldn’t raise a child then.

Despite the judgmental treatment she received, I’m glad that she did not have to go through the days when abortion was not legal. Before abortion became legal in the United States during the 1970s, there were horrible accounts of procedures with wire hangers, knitting needles and kitchen knives.

I’m glad that my friend was at least in a clean and safe environment. But she should have been treated with kindness and respect. She shouldn’t be judged – certainly not by the medical professionals she had entrusted herself to.

Abortion is a painful topic – no one should take it lightly.

But trust me, most women who choose to go through the procedure have thought about it much more than anyone else.

It’s not a throwaway decision, and women should not be punished, or be looked down upon, for it.

myp@sph.com.sg

From My Paper, My Lifestyle
MONDAY SEPTEMBER 8, 2008

MANIC MUMMY
ON DRESSING OFFSPRING

CLARA CHOW

IN THE Japanese cult anime, Ghost In The Shell 2: Innocence, an eerily dead-pan coroner named Miss Haraway debates the difference between Man and Machine with a rookie detective.

Observing that little girls who dote on their dolls are experiencing something akin to child-rearing, she says: “Raising children is the simplest way to achieve the ancient dream of artificial life.”

At that, the detective bursts out: “Children aren’t dolls!”

The conversation may be surreal, making sense only in the sci-fi-meets-philosophy context of anime.

But it got me thinking about how parents often project their own desires and ideal self-images onto their offspring.

And the most obvious way in which this manifests itself is how Mums and Dads dress their unprotesting babies and tykes.

So, what do your kids’ clothes say about you? Here’s my list of totally unscientific hypotheses:

1. Your kid wears: starched shirts/skirts, waistcoats, pressed trousers and dress shoes. This could be a class-conscious or aspirational thing.

You’re likely to: Believe in exuding the right, serious and professional image at all times. Or you could just be an uptight individual.

2. Your kid wears: T-shirts with ironic slogans like “Someday I’ll get trashed at prom”, or edgy street clothes like hoodies, skate shorts and gangsta chains.

You’re likely to: Think you’re hip, and want your child to think that Mama and Papa are “with it” as well. But there are some boundaries that shouldn’t be crossed.

How many people want to read an off-colour joke or see a rude image emblazoned on a toddler’s chest?

And think long term. When your kid’s a teen, it’ll already be a struggle getting him or her to be tight pals with you. Best not to give them photo evidence that you made them look like tiny fools now.

3. Your kid wears: Adorable tuxedos, sailor suits and/or frilly frocks, looking like a little prince or princess.

You’re likely to: Idealise childhood and appreciate the finer things in life. You could also be getting parenting ideas from old movies like The Sound Of Music.

If your son is in both suits and frilly frocks, then I salute you as a fearless, anti-establishment activist.

But while there’s something pleasantly old-fashioned and Victorian about such outfits, I do wonder about their comfort factor.

4. Your kid wears: Whatever you can find in the bargain bin that is lightweight, non-flammable and comfortable in the tropical heat.

You’re likely to: Be a true-blue pragmatic Singaporean. I applaud both your commitment to the environment and lightweight economics.

5. You kid wears: Animal suits.

You’re likely to: Embrace your wild, unfettered instincts – and hope your little critter does so, too. Then again, there are many other unprintable explanations for this one.

And then there’s the category I fall into with my two-year-old son Julian. He is barely clothed most of the time.

Julian, like a nascent nudist, regularly appears in public without any pants on, modelling his diapers proudly. He has also been known to kick up a big fuss when attempts to put a shirt on him are made – leading to him often sleeping in the buff.

I’d like to think that it means I’m a non-conforming, free-spirited bohemian.

“You wish,” scoffed the Supportive Spouse when I proffered this theory.

I concede that it may just mean I am lazy and that I take the path of least resistance when it comes to dressing my child.

Some psychologists have said that dressing a child in a parent’s image can hint at future problems when the adult cannot accept that they are separate individuals.

If that’s the case, I won’t have those problems at all, since my stubborn son has made sure thus far that I harbour no mini-me delusions of grandeur.

myp@sph.com.sg

From My Paper, HOME, My News
MONDAY SEPTEMBER 8, 2008

On Bringing Up Children

GEOFF TAN

IN 1965, Time magazine ran a cover story featuring teenagers from one of the wealthiest institutions in America – the prestigious Palisades High School in Los Angeles, California.

The parents of these kids comprise the nations’ rich and famous. This young fraternity was lauded as having great potential.

They stood at the fringe of a “golden era”, where their stature and position augured well for their future.

They were looked upon to fuel the next generation of America’s leaders – the so-called blue-eyed kids on the block.

In 1976, two members of that class, David Wallechinsky (who incidentally is the son of well-known author and screenwriter Irving Wallace) and Michael Medved, co-wrote a book entitled What Really Happened To The Class Of ’65?

This book, which eventually became a bestseller, featured interviews with several members of the class and their teachers, whose experiences were recounted both individually and in groups around a host of shared themes.

What Wallechinsky and Medved found was contrary to what was predicted of their cohort some 11 years back.

Many of their former classmates went their separate ways after high school and got involved in lesser-than-expected behaviour – drug abuse, rebellion, sexual irresponsibility, divorce and even prison time.

Many of them were plagued by personal tragedy and emotional trauma.

These kids, who were born with a silver spoon in their mouths, were to a great extent unprepared for the complex game of life.

Some psychologists diagnosed this to be a case of misguided parental indulgence.

These mums and dads, who were among America’s richest and most influential, did not know better than to spoil their children rotten.

What they lacked in time spent with their kids – to nurture and teach them good values – they made up for with money lavished upon their juniors.

Money to fuel expensive lifestyles. Money for their children to buy and enjoy all that they desire. Money to bail them out of jail. Money to repair their wrecked exotic cars, or to buy new ones. Money so that their children can avoid work or further study. Money that made them eventual failures in life.

In a nutshell: rich parents, “poor” children.

You may ask what all this has to do with us in Singapore, 32 years after the book was published.

You must have read recently that Singapore has climbed the ranks of the millionaire club.

According to the 12th annual WorldWealth Report by United States investment bank Merrill Lynch and information-technology group Capgemini, Singapore has 77,000 millionaires. And the figure is growing.

In addition, there are now more Singaporeans holding higher appointments and positions within companies and in society as a whole.

With the hectic pace of life we lead, time is a scarce resource in many a person’s day.

Bringing up children amid this urban landscape requires time and effort – the two commodities which many of us would rather channel towards building our careers, instead of using them to cultivate strong family bonds.

So, is there a lesson to be learnt from the book, What Really Happened To The Class Of ’65?

I certainly think so. There is a common saying that “history repeats itself”. In this instance, my hope and wish is that, for our sake, it does not.

Let’s get real – money does not buy everything.

myp@sph.com.sg

The writer is a senior vice-president of the SPH marketing division and the general manager of SPH NewMedia for Zapcode.

From My Paper, HOME, My News
MONDAY SEPTEMBER 8, 2008

VICTORIA BARKER

THE issue of abortion has been making headlines here, with a call for change to Singapore’s abortion law.

But in an announcement made recently, Health Minister Khaw Boon Wan revealed that the current pro-choice abortion law would remain the same.

Under this law, a woman can choose to abort as long as the gestation period is less than 24 weeks. Beyond that, the foetus is said to be able to survive outside the womb.

The law was reviewed as a possible means to increase Singapore’s dismal birth rate.

Several doctors my paper spoke to felt that the decision was the right one.

Said Dr Christopher Chong, a consultant obstetrician, gynaecologist and urogynaecologist at Gleneagles Hospital: “If abortion is not kept legal, it could lead to a lot of problems such as illegal abortions, which may be unsafe if not done correctly.

“It is good to give women a choice.”

Women here also give legitimate reasons for undergoing the procedure. This is despite hearsay among health professionals that some women cite work commitment, staying slim and the need to go on holidays as reasons for an abortion.

“I have heard of such cases, but it is very rare. Usually, if the reason is non-medical, it is due to other factors such as age and financial status,” Dr Chong said.

And according to figures from the Ministry of Health, the total number of abortions has not shown significant growth over the past few years.

In fact, there has been a slight decline, with 11,933 such procedures recorded last year, compared with 12,032 in 2006.

Dr Chong does not perform abortions, but counsels those who intend to undergo the procedure.

His youngest patient was just 12 years old. The pregnant teenager’s mother decided to have the pregnancy terminated due to the girl’s young age.

Other social reasons for women to undergo an abortion include being unwed, contraceptive failure and being unsure of the paternity of the foetus.

In terms of medical reasons, an abortion may be required should either the mothers’ or the foetuses’ health be at risk.

While it is the woman’s prerogative whether she wants to terminate her pregnancy, the Government will continue to insist on counselling for those considering the procedure.

Dr John Yam, a consultant obstetrician and gynaecologist at Gleneagles, said that women need to be more aware that abortion should not to be taken lightly.

“Besides considering the various physical complications such as bleeding and infection, and the psychological effects like guilt, women should realise that abortion is not a form of contraception.

“There are many options available for family planning, and abortion is not one of them,” he said.

vbarker@sph.com.sg

From TODAY, Voices
Friday September 5, 2008

SERANGOON GARDENS SAGA
blogged at www.singaporelifetimes.blogspot.com

(FOREIGNERS in our midst) appear to be haunting residents in Serangoon Gardens. The stated concern is that these people will probably clog up their roads.

Some view it as a security concern, as if the Government is moving a bunch of misfits and shady characters into their neighbourhood. These people have lost their sense of reality and are displaying prejudice and snobbery.

If these foreigners are not welcome in Serangoon Gardens, do residents then think somebody else’s neighbourhood is more suitable?

Are the residents worried that the value of their million-dollar properties will drop with the presence of these “foreign workers”? Are they worried that they will roam their neighbourhood, stealing and raping, swaggering around, drunk and noisy?

Well, yes, they are foreigners and may have habits that we are not used to. They may tend to congregate more and speak a decibel louder than us.

But these do not make them criminals. Our forefathers were once foreigners here, and they managed to rise up to own property and land, which they have passed down to us, their children. Truly, we have forgotten our roots.

We are talking about being a gracious society; here is an opportunity to show our graces. We should practice charity, for surely it must begin at home.

Otherwise, whatever civility we may have cultivated is only skin-deep, and that skin is particularly thin for people living in the private houses of Serangoon Gardens.

From TODAY, Voices
Friday September 5, 2008

Letter from Maureen Foo

HAVE YOUR SAY
news@newstoday.com.sg

I REFER to “Not in our backyard” (Sept 3).

I have lived in Serangoon Gardens since I was nine months old and called it home for 29 years. Over time, it has retained a sense of homeliness and a reputation for good eats. Even in recent years, with its lifestyle cafes and eateries, it is still peaceful and quiet.

However, if the Ministry of National Development is to go ahead with the housing of 1,000 foreign workers at the former Serangoon Garden South Primary School (SGSS), the face of Serangoon Gardens will change drastically.

I live in Farrer Park now and regret to say that the place feels less secure with a substantial number of foreign workers working and living there as well. Loitering, non-observance of traffic rules and littering are some of the problems they cause.

If the foreign worker dormitory were to materialise in Serangoon Gardens, I fear a similar loss of security and homeliness there.

For example, the presence of a sizeable number of foreign workers will likely affect the ambience at Tavistock Park, next to SGSS. Residents go there to relax and exercise. The park is likely to attract foreign workers as well. I fear that overcrowding and littering will destroy Tavistock Park’s peace and tranquility.

I suggest using the land to expand the park instead; or to start a new school; or even build a new Singapore Sports Council exercise centre for badminton and soccer.

MND should seriously consider the needs of the residents of Serangoon Gardens. Practical considerations must not always take precedence.

From TODAY, World
Tuesday September 2, 2008

New technology will enable bullet trains to run 30kmh faster than trains of the current generation. BLOOMBERG

BEIJING — China is planning to build the world’s fastest bullet train, to link Beijing with the financial capital Shanghai.

The Ministry of Railways says it is raising the speed it intends the new line connecting the cities to reach when it opens in 2012.

New technology will allow trains to travel at 380kmh, 30kmh more than the current generation of bullet trains, according to the ministry’s deputy chief engineer, Zhang Shuguang.

The high-speed line from Beijing to Shanghai has been an on-off project for several years, but work finally began in April.

Officials have been torn between improving the extensive and reliable but slow services linking cities across the country and building high-tech lines between major cities.

But they have also been encouraged by the initial success of the bullet train that since July has reduced journey times from Beijing to the nearest port at Tianjin to just half an hour.

With China’s two most important cities separated by 1,318km, the new line will be the longest high-speed railway to be built in one go in the world.

The Tianjin route uses 350kmh-trains that rely on technology imported from the German engineering giant Siemens.

But Mr Zhang said China’s own engineers had “mastered” the technology sufficiently to upgrade the trains’ speed further.

The extra would be sufficient to cut the journey time from five hours as currently planned to four hours, compared with current 10 to 12 hours.

While France’s famous highspeed train, the TGV, broke its 17-year-old world speed record last year when it hit a top speed of 574.8kmh, it only maintained that speed for a short period.

The Chinese trains would be designed to travel at top speeds for much of the journey in order to cut its duration.

THE DAILY TELEGRAPH

From TODAY, News
Tuesday September 2, 2008

DISCRIMINATION FEARS
Bosses can help educate staff; mums can be flexible with long leave

Alicia Wong
alicia@mediacorp.com.sg

SHE MAY have been eight months pregnant, but that didn’t stop UBS Singapore from hiring her.

Ms Rachel Lin started work as a corporate communications director two weeks before going on her 15-week maternity leave — what UBS employees enjoyed instead of the statutory 12 weeks back then. Mothers can also claim up to $3,000 for maternity-related expenses, and are protected by a UBS insurance plan in the event of birth complications.

Proving family-friendly practices are not just for multinational companies, The Event Company Staging Connections, with a staff of about 40, has hired pregnant women twice and provided them with full maternity benefits.

Both companies were lauded yesterday by Mdm Halimah Yacob, the deputy secretary-general of the National Trades Unions Congress (NTUC), at a dialogue on the impact of the state’s marriage and parenthood package.

“Quite a significant number” of unionists”, she noted, had “voiced concerns on whether women would face increased discrimination at work because of enhanced leave benefits”. The challenge, she felt, was to implement the measures in ways that meet “the needs of both the employees and employers”.

----------
Bosses
• Organise work to support mums while ensuring business outcomes.
• Base treatment of staff on merit, not pregnancy, on training benefits, pay, promotion, and so on
• Apply parenthood package to all, including contract workers
• Fair, transparent appraisal system
• Train managers, supervisors to implement policies effectively; engage other staff over workflow concerns

Pregnant staff
• Uphold high performance standards
• Give early notice of childcare or maternity leave; mutually agree on best time to minimise disruption
• Ensure smooth handover of duties
• Stretch last eight weeks of leave over longer period (for example, work half-days)
• Be realistic, understand bosses’ concerns
----------

On the employers’ end, she urged them to apply the parenthood package “equitably”, including to those on flexi-work arrangements and contract work.

They should have a “fair, transparent performance appraisal system that has measurable outcomes” to minimise conflicts over rewards.

Importantly, managers and front-line supervisors should be trained so they can fully support and implement the policies effectively, she said. And the other staff should be engaged over concerns about workflow when employees go on extended leave.

Employees must play their part, too — this includes upholding “a high standard of performance” and not expecting employers to compromise such standards, which would be unfair to other staff.

They should also notify the company early when applying for maternity leave and work with employers to ensure a smooth handover of duties. She also urged staff to be flexible in taking the last eight weeks of maternity leave — such as stretching this over a longer period, with half-day leave arrangements or a three-day workweek.

“We all need to remember that it’s important to ‘Hire on Merit’ and not ‘Fire! She’s married’,” stressed Mdm Halimah, who cochairs the Tripartite Alliance for Fair Employment Practices, a place where pregnant employees who feel they have been discriminated against can seek advice and help.

From TODAY, Voices
Monday September 1, 2008

Letter from Michelle Jean Yeang

I REFER to the letter, “Babies: How singles can help” (Aug 29). I, too, fear that having children means having to give up my freedom and having a lifelong liability.

What I fear most is that my husband and I may create a “social chasm” between our friends and us if they cannot relate to or understand what we are going through. I already felt this way when I got married at 21; while most of my friends were complaining about National Service or university life, I was busy setting up home.

I’m afraid that I will lose my friends when we take different paths in life.

My husband and I thought about waiting for our friends to “catch up” with us so that we can start having families in the same phase of our lives. But we’ve been married for three years and our friends are still single.

I really wonder how much longer we can wait before we finally decide to use what’s left of our youth to raise children so that we can still enjoy spending time with them as they get older.

But I have a feeling that if we do have children and excitedly share baby anecdotes, we will get polite smiles in return as our friends go on to talk more enthusiastically about the remake of some superhero movie.

At the end of the day, even though having children is a personal choice, it is still one influenced by those around us. If our friends can’t understand and relate to our experience as parents, should we give up the company we enjoy for the joy of having children?

Or, can we have both?

From TODAY, Voices
Friday August 29, 2008

RAISING CHILDREN
Childless couples can help, too, by baby-sitting friends’ kids

Letter from Dr Peter Goh Kok Yong

AMID the lively discussion on the new parenthood incentives, the spotlight is certainly on married couples. Two other groups of people might feel slightly sidelined — barren couples and singles. But they need not be, as they too can contribute to the baby efforts.

One reason many young couples choose to have only one or at most two children is their unwillingness to forego their social life, interests and pursuits. They fear being left behind as they find themselves locked in by the endless demands of their children.

While their single or childless couple friends keep themselves tuned to the latest developments in the social scene, movies, fashion and so on, those with young children find themselves knowledgeable only in nursery rhymes. This prospect leads many young couples, especially the yuppies, to adopt a “stop at one” policy.

This is where their barren couple and single friends can help. First, they can volunteer to babysit for their parent friends on a regular basis so as to give them a breather. Tired parents can spend some quality time together or do their own thing, while the volunteers get to share in the joy of parenthood.

Second, these friends who are more well-tuned can certainly keep the busy parents up-to-date with the latest happenings, so that the parents do not feel so out of touch with life beyond diapers and talcum powder.

These contributions may not amount to dollar and cents, but they certainly make a difference to modern parents who value their individuality as much as their responsibility as parents.

Barren couples and singles need not feel sidelined. They can count too when it comes to baby efforts.

From TODAY, Voices
Friday August 29, 2008

SINGLE PARENTS
Letter from Carole Chen Shuyi

LIKE many others, I looked forward to what Prime Minister Lee Hsien Loong had to announce in the Enhanced Marriage & Parenthood Package.

However, despite being a working parent with a Singaporean child below seven years old, I am not eligible for the Enhanced Childcare leave. This is because I am a single unwed mother. I have always wanted to form a nuclear family with as many children as possible but my partner has other more important commitments than to marry me. Desiring to have at least a child of my own, I decided to go ahead without getting married.

Being a single mother takes a lot of courage; people like us face rejection from family members and the scorn of society.

Juggling work and family life, I am responsible solely in meeting the basic needs for myself and my child, and coping with all the emotions that come with parenting.

----------
I may be a single mother, but I am no different from other parents. I need to spend time with my child to teach him values, attend to him and guide him as he grows. Why, then, am I not entitled to the enhanced childcare leave?
----------

I am not entitled to purchase a Housing and Development flat because I don’t meet
the eligibility condition of “having a proper family nucleus”. I find this is totally acceptable and understandable because our Government encourages a proper family nucleus. Therefore I accept this ruling.

But I am no different from other parents. I need to spend time with my child to teach him values, attend to him, understand his needs, and guide him as he grows. Why, then, am I not entitled to the enhanced childcare leave?

I am a Singaporean and my child is born in Singapore. He will have to do National Service when the time comes, so why can’t he enjoy the same priveleges as other Singaporean children? Does it mean that because of my (non) marital status, he does not deserve to spend time with his sole parent?

My parents help to look after my child until I come home from work every day. He brings them much joy and pleasure and keeps them busy and from feeling lonely. My child gives me much joy and happiness. I do not regret having him. The only regret is that it seems I am being penalised for having a child out of wedlock.

Four years ago, when Mr Lim Hng Kiang announced the New Package of Measures to Support Parenthood in August 2004, he said: “We have taken the approach of asking what we can do to help Singaporeans at each stage or aspect of their journey as parents”.

He also said: “This package is not only about helping to increase our birth rate. Ultimately, it is about making Singapore a great place for families.”

To me and my child, we are a family.