When I Was Young

From Voices

Today • Monday • June 23, 2008

SARAH SUM-CAMPBELL

I REFER to “Obstacles bring ‘Save Sufiah Programme’ to a halt’ (June 18).

Dr Mashitah Ibrahim of the Malaysian Prime Minister’s department was quoted as saying that Ms Sufiah Yusof “was believed to be under a black magic spell”. I cannot dispute whether or not she is under a spell, but I would like to offer another explanation: Could her home situation have caused her trauma so severe that she is taking a break from using her brain to make money? It is highly unusual for a well-adjusted girl with the opportunities and talent to make a living to suddenly resort to selling herself for a quick buck.

Sexuality is a taboo subject in many parts of the world. But understanding sexuality is essential in helping children develop a healthy sense of self and esteem. Male sexuality is the underlying force for much of a man’s want to provide and defend, as well as their need to be looked up to. Female sexuality is embedded deep within to procreate, nurture and nourish. That is a very simplified summary of what makes men and women tick.

In many developing countries, women enter the sex trade via different modes — some become actresses in pornographic films and some become sex workers. Some people would also place young women who marry old rich men in the same category as those who sell their bodies. Yet, there are women who would work three jobs if need be, but would never entertain the thought of exchanging sexual favours for material goods or a better status.

What makes women choose different paths? Researchers say that the differences in attitude are inculcated and bred in women during childhood. The home is a child’s microcosm of the world and how that world works. Where there is respect, genuine affection and care shown in the relationship between parents, as well as between parents and their children, the children will develop a healthy sense of self-esteem and derive from their parents’ modelling of the working of a home, their own ideas as to how their future family will one day operate.

To a child, parents are people with ultimate and supreme power. A newborn baby knows to survive from crying and its parents’ response from day one affects that child’s perception of whether the world is a kind place, or one full of harshness. A child’s perception of their own dignity and worth is gathered from how they are loved, whether it be conditionally — subject to how they behave or what they do — or given unconditionally simply because they exist.

Ms Sufiah lived with a father who sexually assaulted two teenage girls he had home-tutored. A man capable of such acts has a basic disrespect for women. Usually, men who abuse their positions of power or use their sexuality to dominate and bully are also given to verbal abuse and withdrawal of emotional warmth, except for the purpose of satisfying their ego or for sexual gratification.

A little girl who grows up with an abusive father, or who grows up in a less-than-nurturing home environment usually has little desire to repeat the same cycle in a long-term relationship as a wife and mother. That is, unless, in the course of her growing-up there are other significant role models for her to emulate, or there is intervention, help and assistance such that the childhood trauma is overcome or healed. A little girl who has undergone the trauma of witnessing physical or sexual abuse in any form or shape, or who herself has suffered from the same, would have learnt that there is power in sex.

Victims of long-term abuse often become perpetrators — they have learned to survive the abuse. Most women who survive this have to re-learn trust and belonging, as well as rebuild their esteem from scratch. The inability to do so often leads many women to suicide, or to acts of self-destruction.

The sex trade, for many women, is more than just about making money. It is a form of domination and wielding power over men — she has to have mastered the art of beguiling and deceit, to make a “slave” out of the man in order that he willingly parts with his money. The other side of the coin for many such women is beatings, abuse, further rape, or sometimes, death. There is no career ladder for the sex worker — it is downhill all the way, especially as one ages or shows signs of illness.

It is my hope that the Islamic preacher sent to “fix” Ms Sufiah’s faith in Islam is also armed with a good understanding of working with women who have survived childhood trauma; I hope, too, that he has great empathy for what drives women onto the streets as sex workers.

I believe no man can adequately do this job of being there for Ms Sufiah.

The writer worked for many years with family, women’s and children’s causes in an international organisation in Vienna. She is now a full-time mother in Singapore.

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